just venting, this isnt suppose to be a master peice.

i have messed up alot in my day, seen alot of hardships and pain in my day. i have been around the block, in the hotseet not knowin what to say. feelin all alone, like im sinkin in a hole with nobody around, not a whisper not a sound. the worst part is, im not even screamin or reachin. idk where to start to ask for help. i have the instruction book in my hands. its heavy in my mind. ive flipped through it but its like a puzzle and i dont know where to start. i got bits and peices but i still feel like im left in the dark. all i see is what i dont have. im so focused on the depth of this hole that im in that i ignore the ladder that reaches all the way up to the end.

tonight, i cracked my bible open to read it for the first time in about 3 weeks. I have felt more secular and have struggled more so, it has felt like, this past few weeks than i have since school. i have completely ignored God, and whored after worldy sins. then tonight, whats the first book of the bible i land on?? HOSEA!! God migh as well have just punched me in the stomache and told me he loved me. Hosea is a book about a prophet of God who is told by God to marry a prostitute. Then Hosea loves her, even when she goes out and whores herself out to other men. And Hosea gos and buys her back...this happens time and time again...and Hosea still loves her. That is what God does with me. I go and leave him and sell myself, so to speak, to evil sins of this world, to the temporary feel good that it gives me only to be left with the "hangover" ,i guess you could call it, of my vulgar pleasures...i am the prodigal son that leaves his father for temporal pleasure that leaves me at the bottom of the pig stye. And yet he loves me anyways...i find myself wanting to be loved my people more than puting my feelings into loving God. Yet He brings me back every time.