just venting, this isnt suppose to be a master peice.

i have messed up alot in my day, seen alot of hardships and pain in my day. i have been around the block, in the hotseet not knowin what to say. feelin all alone, like im sinkin in a hole with nobody around, not a whisper not a sound. the worst part is, im not even screamin or reachin. idk where to start to ask for help. i have the instruction book in my hands. its heavy in my mind. ive flipped through it but its like a puzzle and i dont know where to start. i got bits and peices but i still feel like im left in the dark. all i see is what i dont have. im so focused on the depth of this hole that im in that i ignore the ladder that reaches all the way up to the end.

tonight, i cracked my bible open to read it for the first time in about 3 weeks. I have felt more secular and have struggled more so, it has felt like, this past few weeks than i have since school. i have completely ignored God, and whored after worldy sins. then tonight, whats the first book of the bible i land on?? HOSEA!! God migh as well have just punched me in the stomache and told me he loved me. Hosea is a book about a prophet of God who is told by God to marry a prostitute. Then Hosea loves her, even when she goes out and whores herself out to other men. And Hosea gos and buys her back...this happens time and time again...and Hosea still loves her. That is what God does with me. I go and leave him and sell myself, so to speak, to evil sins of this world, to the temporary feel good that it gives me only to be left with the "hangover" ,i guess you could call it, of my vulgar pleasures...i am the prodigal son that leaves his father for temporal pleasure that leaves me at the bottom of the pig stye. And yet he loves me anyways...i find myself wanting to be loved my people more than puting my feelings into loving God. Yet He brings me back every time.

some poems i wrote for english

"Time"
time is but relativity
Defined by which it is compared
It is no ones specialty
No one caomparisone can possibly be shared.

"I use to be"
Once i was
An ember, sparked
Interest, burned to make its mark
Now i am
a welders flame
wielded by its maker for projects with unequaled fame.

"Sin"
A sickness of the heart it is
To be trivial is an understatement
to be cured only by His love.
So keep your heart set on things above.

"Showers and storms"
Rain splatters on the tin roofs
of little stalls as horses beat their hooves.
The smell of dew brushes my nose
as i step out and the wind blows.

The shadows of darkness loom over the land
as the thunder cloud approaches and seeminly expand.
The animals, in distress pace in place
as i see the fear etched deep within their face.

The rain begins to beat
and cover every inch of every street.
Like the sound of warriors in battle
like a fresh horse under your saddle

The sun shines forth in glorious splendor
all is well, the ground feels tendor.
Birds take flight, and squirels scamer on
As i sit and spy from my front lawn.

aspects of a godly man

Hey a good friend of mine just turned 15, and for his birthday his dad had a man ceromony for him. He had a buch of guys get together after playing a beast game of basketball and tell him what they thought it looked like t be a Godly man. So i just wanted to share with yall what i shared with him....this is a very condenced version however.

part of being a godly man, is leadership. And what i see in the men that i respect and love the most is love, humility, and service....look at the greatest servant of all, and therefor, man or vice versa, Jesus Christ. He was known as the suffering servant, he was perfectly loveing and perfectly humble...the best leaders are those who first and foremost, serve with joy because of their love and humility.

And also maturity. Being a man is not instant like i think austin or jordan said. its a process called maturity. And this year the aspect of maturity that God has shone me is that maturity is not perfection, its learning how to deal with your lack of perfection in a way that is honoring to the Lord.
so seek Love and you will find humility, find humility and you will serve, serve and you will be a better leader. Be content in all things, find joy in all through Christ, and you will find maturity.

Break thou the bread of Life- Mary A. Lathbury

break thou the bread of life, dear Lord,to me,
As thou didst break the loaves beside the sea;
Throughout the sacred page I seek thee, Lord,
My spirit pants for thee, O living Word.

Bless thou the truth, dear Lord, to me, to me,
As thou didst bless the bread by Galilee;
Then shall all bondage cease, all fetters fall;
And i shall find my peace, my all in all.

Thou art the bread of life, O Lord, to me,
thy holy Word the truth that saveth me;
Give me to eat and live with thee above;
Teach me to love thy truth, for thou art love.

O send thy Spirit, Lord, now unto me,
that he may touch mine eyes, and make me see:
show me the truth concealed within thy Word,
And in thy book revealed I see the Lord.

O for a thousand tongues to sing-Charels Wesley

O for a thousand tongues to sing
my great Redeemers praise,
The glories of my God and King,
The triumphs of His grace.

My gracious Master and my God,
Assist me to proclaim,
To spread through all the earth abroad,
The honors of Thy name.

Jesus! the name that charms our fears,
That bids our sorrows cease;
'Tis music in the sinners ears,
'Tis life and health and peace.

He breaks the pow'r of reighning sin,
He sets the prisoner free;
His blood can make the foulest clean;
His blood availed for me.

He speaks and, list'ning to His voice,
New life the dead recieve;
The mournful, broken hearts rejoice;
The humble poor believe.

Hear him, ye deaf; his praise, ye dumb,
Your loosened tongues employ,
Ye blind, behold your Savior come;
And leap, ye lame, for joy.

Glory to God and praise and love
Be ever giv'n
By saints below and saints above-
The church in eath and heav'n.

riding the roller coster of life.

Dude....God is good....im not....yet he loves me anyways....thats legit...yet i always try to earn his favor like he hasnt already given it to me....i seek for pleasure in other things instead of Him....im trying to find the balance between accepting grace and mourning over my sin...its not easy. im striving to seek joy in everything through God, keep my eyes focused on the goal set before me, seek to be one with all Christians, seek other people love in humility (which i am suckin at)...my emotions have been kinda wack....its hard when those people you consider your best friends only see you as an aquantences....or anyways thats how i feel....and then i get scared that i only feel that way beacause im not always the center of attention and its just me being attention hungry or whatever.....and then you dont want to force them to be your friend out of obligation...you cant make someone like you.....and then i feel like crap cuz i know i shouldnt let that stuff bother me becuase all i need is God and through worring about that i am not recognizing Him as my true satisfatction.....sooo yeah...im super pumped about young guns and going to plya del Carmen this summer....that is if i graduate....but God is incontrole and all will workout for Him and His glory.

quotes

Perhaps there is not one leaf of atree, nor spire of grass, but what has efffects all over the universe, and will have to the end of eternity.-Jonothan Edwards

i find letters from God dropped in the street, and every one is signed by Gods name, and i leave them where they are, for i know that others will punctually come forever-Walt whitman.

so many thoughts in my head.

they come and go. Often times i cant sort them out. Thats why at times its hard for me to have a decent conversation with someone....especialy if i dont feel comfortable around them because i overanalize everything i think about saying because as a kid growing up people just looked for ways to mess with me and if i said one thing wrong they jumped on it, so now i cant hardly say anything around people im not completely comfortably with in some kind of subconcious fear of being judged for it. But then there are times that i am completely comfortable and i just end up saying things that are completely stupid. I usualy just end up saying something stupid when i am with people i dont feelcomfortable around cuz i just dont know what to say.

i cant hink of the next lines to this!! its so frustrating!

vanity,like a rose, will wither away.
Beauty once adhored will with time decay.

the widow-As sities burn

Dead man were you ever alive or was I just a seed
Buried deep inside some woman you wed?
Right before you crawled out of her bed
And crept down the hall.
did you think of me?
Did you even for a second hesitate in the doorway?
Its just something that I’d like to know
Though I’d still love you if you told me, that you just walked away

My God, what a world you love.
Men bury their sons
And without thought
Just walk away

And my mother’s heart breaks like the water inside of her
And my mother’s heart breaks like the water inside of her

Dead man is it being high that makes you alive?
It makes you leave behind three boys and a wife in ‘89
And as the track marks inched their way up your arms
My mother taught my brothers and I not to call you daddy,
But to call you father.

And I believe there is something here to be learned of grace?
'Cause I can't help but love you,
No I can't help but love you,
Even with a heart that breaks
like the promises that you made (x3)

‘Cause I can't help but love you

My God, what a world you love.

finding the balance.

As a christian there are always things that we will struggle with, a cross we will bear. I think that alot of the time we think that as time gos on or as we think that we are growing that these stuggles will get easier...or slow down...i do not think so. I think that part of spiritual maturity is not outgrowing the struggles so much as growing in the way that we handle them. Not that we are suppose to act like our lives are perfect or that we have everything undercontrole but to acknowledge that God is in controle and find joy in our struggles as Paul commands in almost all of his letters. And as he so beautifuly portrays in his on life. And it is not easy to do, that is why we need constant accountability and friends that are willing to be intentional in encouraging eachother onward and to find this joy that is portryed in the bible, but if you are like me you dont realy know were exactly to find that joy in the bible right of the top of your head. And that is because we do not spend enough time in the Word and loving it and seeking its knowledge, which we also need accountability to do. basicaly what everything comes don to is our love for the Lord, if we love Him we will seek him, and if we seek him he promises that e will find him. But we have to take that first step.

a ray of hope...kinda

well i made an 80 on my six weeks exam in spanish and my notebook quiz which is two grades then i made an 85 on my chem exam..... then im pretty sure i did realy well on a spanish project.. thinks a starting to even out little by little.

trying to climb a mountain during an avalanche

life stinks at the moment....i feel like i am trying to climb mount everest in the middle of an avalanche. I cant seem to get anywere no matter how hard i try. A cant find joy in anyhing...i feel like im being sucked dry...my time in the Word had been pathetic...i dont know how im going to manage to graduate and not only is not graguating bad enough but if dont then i dont get to go to youngguns, nor do i get to go on my senior trip to the mayan ruins aka paradise, then i have to back to that hell hold called whitehouse for another year, were i have hardly any friends...then i have to look everyone at my church in the face knowing that they know that im pretty much a failure...i get to watch everyone at my church that graduates get announced to the church and whatnot. Im 18 and i dont even have my freaking drivers liscence yet....and im to buisy to go get it...im tired of being weak in every way. And then on top of that i just realized how selfish this all sounds. I need to get over myself and focus on God....You cant Glorify God when you are fosused on yourself...

if being a Christian is who you are then why do i so often catch myself having to try so hard?

taken over-Chaz Stevens

The Hues of the rainbow flung across the sky
Brilliance made manifest as i strolled by.
Only to mirror what to expect when once i die.

The like of which some will never know
oh how this should press us soo
we ought not be the leaves that the wind will blow
but the reapers of the seeds we sew

as i stare straight up into the sky soo blue
i realize to Him nothing is new
not even the sin i continously do
or the areas in me he grew.

Like the plants that wither day by day
words i should have said but never did say
at the bottom of this sinful heart they lay
letting one more soul slip away.

the deepest darkest parts of me he does see.
The smothered seed i refuse to be.
Lord cleanse this heart of all hypocricy
rescue me from this monotony.

Lord what is the grace that you have shown
for me the worst of sinners? my mind is blown
You ener my heart and make it whole
your love takes over my very soul.

A psuedo freestyle rap i made.

chill out befor i cut out, im bout to shut out, im gonna back up and take a look....then the ground shook....like i close a huge book and the pages started flippen...and i started kicken.i know you dont think this makes no since like it didnt to give me a six pence, but it dont matter, i know you heard that loud clatter, like the break of me heart hit the ground and shatterd. imma say what comes to my mind if you would be so kind to listen even if you think im dissen, even when i aint....your a saint.

Never meant to break your heart-UnderOath

tears run down my face just like the last
no different from yesterday
sick from the mirror
do these prayers feel sincere
the dirt never washes clear
you were good, so good
i grew to love your lies
until i put you in the past
love was lust until he revealed
the man behind the mask
will the scars go away
in this world i have no place
forgive me Jesus this time i cry
i rip my heart outto give to you
alone it never did me any good
hold me close, wash my mind
destroy the me that lives inside

something i wrote...=]

haha people think they know me. thats pretty funny. yeah they know me like they watch the TV. but they dont know what goes on behind scenes....they pic and choose like flippen through magazines...cant find what they want so they put me down. then i can better hear the sound, of my savior. my eternal life saver. i cant lose His favor. i was lost and now im found. like Nemo the fish no i wont drown...in the pains of this world. Cuz he reals me in like im a reward. i dont know why. i aint gonna lie. but when im feelin Him im feelin pretty fly, like i can never die. like Edward. but i aint gonna cry. cuz my souls intact. jesus has it as a matter of fact. He enterd my heart changed it made it better like makeup. Jacob. but im not a warewolf. but beware of, i got the same love. Bella. i go to sleep and He wakes me up like Cinderella. But im a man. i wanna stay young. peterpan. but i wanna grow up. Jack and the beanstalk. spiritual maturity, to grow up in the trinity. im seekin that wisdom like solomon. But its a good thing i got my Daddy to fall upon. cuz im always fallin back like a heavy backpack. i cant do it on my own. Cant make it alone. So i step out on the water, and when i start to totter, he pulls my head back up out of the water. Like a sheep to the slaughter. And most of the time i dont even bother!? Romans 7:14-25. thats the battle i fight as long as i am alive. i try, and i strive. but it dont work. i cant rely on me. cuz my feelings go up and down like a teepee. they are unreliable. unjustifiable. Im still liable.

life is to short

"Fight for us, O God, that we not drift numb and blind and foolish into vain and empty excitements. Life is too short, too precious, too painful to waste on worldly bubbles that burst. Heaven is too great, hell is too horrible, eternity is too long that we should putter around on the porch of eternity."
— John Piper

"free" by shawn mcdonald....love this song!

I feel like the weight of the world is all - crashing down on me
And some how I just don’t believe this is how - it is suppose to be
And all this expectation on - the way I’m suppose to live
Becomes my minds distraction - with nothing left to give

You said your burden is light and your load - is no more
You said your ways are right and in you I would soar

I want to be free - free to dance and free to sing
Free to live and love and free
Oh, free to be me

I feel like my heart is being beat - down into the ground
In you I’m longing for some peace - to be found
I know the heaviness that’s - making me cold
Is stealing my youthful soul and - making me old

You said your burden is light and your load - is no more
You said your ways are right and in you I would soar

I want to be free - free to dance and free to sing
Free to live and love and free
Oh, free to be me

Religion.

The conduct of external life is conditioned by environment, but it receives
its final quality, on which its worth depends, from the internal life which
is the self-realization of existence. Religion is the art and the theory of
the internal life of man, so far as it depends on the man himself and on
what is permanent in the nature of things.... Religion is what the
individual does with his own solitariness. It runs through three stages, if
it evolves to its final satisfaction. It is the transition from God the
void to God the enemy, and from God the enemy to God the companion. Thus
religion is solitariness; and if you are never solitary, you are never
religious.-Jonathan Edwards

my search for solitude....

we have to many distractions in our world today...tv, ipods, computers, people, ourselves, cell phones, toys, school, even sometims just knowledge can be destracting....i know that it deeply hinders my "search for solitude". I often times do not want to seek God because its so easy to try to find satisfaction in all of the people and things around me. However in the end they all fall short, leading me back to him. Too often i feel like im loing the battle that Paul describes in Romans 7. Especialy here lately.....but as a freind reminded me, God already won that battle for us.

workout

today i maxed out at 37 pushups...=/ i curled 35 pounds ten times with each arm. And i did i believe....like 21 incline pushups...so yeah imma try to get those up...not to satisfied.

My unfinished essay on jonathan edwards

The life of Jonathan Edwards has undeniably effected modern literature philosophy, science and perhaps most of all, religion. His life consisted of the utmost joy and yet at times deep depression that was a result of inner conflict between his spirit and his flesh. Some have seen Edwards as a brilliant revolutionary, while others as a heretic, fire and brimstone preacher. Either assessment can only be made after taking a look into his life and teachings.
He was born in Windsor, Connecticut, and grew up in a Puritan home. His father was a devout minister who took care of the farm as well as his congregation. As a child Jonathan enjoyed learning of, and studying things of nature. Even when he was young, Edwards made amazing scientific observations which he recorded. He could very well have become a brilliant scientist, however, his religious background gave him a deeper passion to become a minister like his father. Edwards loved God’s majesty seen through his nature walks and described his experience as being “wrapt and swallowed up in God.” Though very young, he demonstrated his maturity through his desire to learn not only about nature but more importantly, about God.
At the age of 13, Jonathan Edwards entered Yale College, where he studied Latin, Greek, and Hebrew, geometry, rhetoric, logic and theology. Before the ending of his second year at Yale, Jonathan’s life changed radically when he was converted. From there on out, God was real to Edwards and his life was transformed forever. Jonathan graduated in 1720 but stayed at Yale to prepare for ministry.
In 1722, Edwards was asked to pastor a church in New York. During that period of his life Jonathan devoured the scriptures, however, the church soon ran out of funds to pay him and he had to move back to Connecticut. He then accepted the offer to teach at Yale and became head administrator as well as teacher. This time was full of bothersome tasks and depression and he soon became terribly sick. He remained ill for four months and suffered from lengthy sicknesses almost every year afterwards.
After teaching at the college, Jonathan Edwards turned back to the ministry. He became the assistant pastor of Northhampton, Massachusets where he served alongside his grandfather. After two years his grandfather died and Edwards took full responsibility of the church. During that time, Jonathan married a woman named Sarah Pierrepont who was 6 years younger than he. Jonathan became well known and loved as he served his congregation.
During the period known as The Great Awakening, Edwards wrote many works such as “Some Thoughts Concerning the Present Revival”, “A Treatise Concerning Religious Affections”, and "The Distinguishing Marks of a Work of the Spirit of God.” each work spoke on the difference between false belief and the truth. He discovered new philosophies and provoked much emotion from his readers.
Jonathan Edwards was also one of the many evangelists who contributed to the Great Awakening. He began preaching in a different manner by using gestures and walking across the platform as he preached. This new style of preaching produced a new response as well. There was often screaming, crying and fainting as the crowds became eager to hear about the Lord and turn their lives over to Him. It was during this time that Edwards preached his famous sermon entitled “Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God.” On July 8, 1741 he preached this message to his congregation. The emotional response from the audience was so overwhelming that he couldn’t finish his message because so many wanted to know how they could become saved. His sermon caused the people to see their need for a savior and led many to their knees in repentance. It was then that the revival impacted his church and sparked a flame among his parishioners.
Jonathan Edwards later accepted the position of President at the College of New Jersey. (later renamed Princeton University) However, he stayed only for a few months because he died from smallpox on March 22, 1758
Edwards has about sixteen major works ranging from sermons to recorded journals, to biographies, to philosophical/theology educationals. Some of his most widely known include: “Resolutions”, “Personal narrative”, “Freedom of the will”, “Original sin”, and maybe most well known, “Sinners in the hands of and angry God”.
Resolutions, consists of a number of resolutions made by Edwards. For Edwards, resolutions were neither, moral hopes, romantic dreams, or legalistic rules. They were instructions for life. Edwards depended on the sustaining strength of his omnipotent Deity to enable him to live up to them. The Resolutions were Edwards’ guidelines for self-examination. Edwards lays out the Resolutions in a matter-of-fact style, treating them much like scientific principles. Of the seventy resolutions, the first one dated, No. 35, was written on December 18, 1722, when the Diary begins. The last, No. 70, was composed on August 17, 1723. Therefore, at least half were devised during Edwards’ New York pastorate and following stay in East Windsor, before receiving his Master’s degree in September 1723. The date and place of composition of the early, undated resolutions are unknown.
Edwards’ Personal narrative, is a revelatory account of his religious experiences. He probably wrote it in due to the request of his future son-in-law, Rev. Aaron Burr. He uses entries from his Diary as well as the very first of his Miscellanies to reconstruct his activities, thoughts, and spiritual states, largely dismissing much of his youthful religion as too works-oriented. Describing his more mature years, he hits on major themes such as God’s glory, excellence, and beauty, and the depth of his own sin, “infinite upon infinite!” In the process, he presents his own experience, much as he would his wife Sarah Pierpont Edwards’ in Some Thoughts Concerning the Revival and David Brainerd’s in the Life, as something of a model for the spiritual pilgrim. It is treasured by religious readers as an evangelical guide. The Personal Narrative enjoyed a quick business in the nineteenth century, when it was published in small tracts and sold in the hundreds of thousands.
His book Freedom of the will is listed as one of the five hundred most important books in American history. It is one of Edwards’s most lasting works. In this monumental work, Edwards is at pains to combat the “prevailing notions,” advanced primarily by Arminians, that the will is “self-determined” in the sense that our choices are not predetermined by any other cause but the exercise of will itself, or are exercised from a state of “indifference.” For Edwards, this was absurd and dangerous, because it denied the sovereignty of God as first cause. Famously, Edwards reduced such a view of the will to an absurdity by using the infinite regress argument—causes of a supposedly “indifferent” choice were actually linked, as in a chain, stretching back infinitely. In its place Edwards offered a “compatibilist” view of the will and moral agency based on inclination that attempted to reconcile freedom and necessity. A person acted according to predisposition either towards sin, if unregenerate, or holiness, if regenerate. Choice was a matter of strongest motives. Humans have a “moral inability” to resist their strongest motives. According to one’s spiritual state, then, there was a “necessity” to choices and actions that, at the same time, did not violate freedom and liberty to make those choices and perform those actions.
The Great Christian Doctrine of Original Sin was Edwards’s defense of the Calvinist view of human depravity in response to the increasingly accepted conception of human nature as basically good and innocent at birth, and that environment, experience, and custom made people evil. Edwards defends his conflicting view by arguing that Scripture, history, and reason prove the evident evil of mankind. Depravity, a tendency or inclination to sin, and attribution of that state from Adam, is were Edwards connected the arguments. Only divine grace could alter those natural states. He believed that God dealt with humankind not individually but, because of Adam’s representation of humankind, collectively. Adam and his posterity were not distinct agents. This Edwards referred to as a “constitutional identity.” Original Sin was in the press at the time Edwards died in Princeton.
For better or worse, the sermon for which Edwards is probably most famous is the one preached to the congregation of Enfield, Massachusetts in July 1741. Made a necessity in high school and college textbooks, Sinners in The Hands of An Angry God represents in many peoples minds the heretic, fire and brimstone outlook of Edwards and his Puritan brothers. But if it represents anything, it represents only a small part of Edwards’s view of the relationship between humankind and God. As a specially crafted awakening sermon, Sinners was aimed at a particularly hard-hearted congregation. But, at the same time, the awakening sermon and all it expressed—the incomprehensible weight of sin, the wrath of an infinitely holy God, and the unexpectedness of the moment.

thought this might be fun...

im not to sure what to write in here at this point...so i will just steal an idea i got from a freind through my youthminister and share some quotes that i have come across while writing a research paper on Jonathan Edwards:

Holiness, as I then wrote down some of my contemplations on it, appeared to
me to be of a sweet, pleasant, charming, serene, calm nature. It seemed to
me, it brought an inexpressible purity, brightness, peacefulness and
ravishment to the soul: and that it made the soul like a field or garden of
God, with all manner of pleasant flowers.... The soul of a true Christian,
as I then wrote my meditations, appeared like such a little white flower,
as we see in the spring of the year; low and humble on the ground, opening
its bosom, to receive the pleasant beams of the sun's glory; rejoicing as
it were, in a calm rapture; diffusing around a sweet fragnancy; standing
peacefully and lovingly, in the midst of other flowers round about; all in
like manner opening their bosoms, to drink in the light of the sun.

what if we were to see the Holiness of God this way?